CW: reference to suicide, substance abuse
This is a personal reflection that jumps around; it's not meant as an instructional article of any sort.
This time almost exactly a year ago I was getting my first of what would become a dozen EKG’s. After a month and a half of denial, I was taking the first steps to acknowledge something was seriously wrong with my health.
It’s hard to think back and identify the point I knew I was sick. Winter of last year people were fighting colds constantly. The entire clinic was sick.
It might have been the time I had to pull over to a gas station because I was too dizzy to drive.
It might have been after I started setting my alarm clock as soon as I got home, because I knew there was a good chance I would fall asleep as soon as I sat down.
It might have been when I fell asleep while talking to someone at work (a few seconds, but enough for me to notice).
It might have been when I changed where I bought groceries after nearly passing out walking across the Target superstore.
It’s hard to pin point. I know sometime in February I wondered. In March I went to the doctor. By May I was down to 2-3 productive days in a week and burning through vacation days as I tried to shorten my work week to something manageable.
May was definitely when I started to wonder when I would lose my job. August was when I started to wonder if I would have to get a wheelchair. October was when a wheelchair sounded like a relief because standing made me so sick.